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Recipes
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With
the previous disclaimer stated in as frank terms as possible using the
woefully inadequate English language, here is the recipe. Attempt it if
you believe you have the courage. Make
sure that there will be no interruptions. Unplug the telephone. Turn off
the T.V. Put a DO NOT DISTURB sign on the front door. Put an Andrea
Bocelli CD of love songs on the player at 1/10 volume. Celine Dion or
another quality performer of choice may be substituted but they must be
the best and mellow. If one of these artists is not available, Buck
Owens or Hank Williams, Sr. will do. Measure EXACTLY 57 / 64 cup of FRESH, CHUNKY, SKIPPY peanut butter. Remove the peanut butter from the 64oz. GLASS jar with a Sterling Silver tablespoon. Put this slowly and gently into a 1½ cup Waterford Crystal bowl that has been cleaned and thoroughly rinsed in distilled water. There must be absolutely no contaminating residue. Put this lovingly into the bowl and distribute it smoothly and evenly onto every surface while leaving a crater exactly 1 7/32 “ deep precisely in the middle. Add precisely 82.33 ml of FRESH Sue-Bee Orange Blossom Honey, that is contained in a BEAR shaped bottle (critical), 20.5825 ml at a time while stirring GENTLY as you go using a Sterling Silver table knife. Vigorous stirring bruises the peanuts. Slowly blend the two ingredients together in a loving manner. If, and only if, you have an opera quality voice you may sing along softly with the music. Nurturing in such a manner facilitates smoothness unattainable in any other way. Blend the ingredients for no less than 3.27 minutes and no more than 5.78 minutes. This must sit undisturbed for several minutes while the subject(s) are listening and watching wide eyed and enthralled. With fitting fanfare, get out the freshest, bakery baked, white bread that is still warm from the oven, two pieces per participant. Slowly, with much flourish and embellishment, spread the nectar onto the bread, a medium thickness to EACH slice. Don’t be skimpy; this is not the time to think stingy. The sandwich fit for the gods MUST be placed on a fine piece of expensive, antique china, sliced in halves or quarters (child preference) and ever so gently and with reverence placed in front of the subject. A glass of very cold, pure, fresh milk in a crystal goblet should always accompany this ritual. A special prayer of thanks should then be offered (if this fits your belief system). After the child consumes the first bite, always, always reaffirm that this is the very, very best tasting concoction of its type the child will ever partake of. (See following instructions) Now, the instructions above may seem daunting but the most critical part is this: This recipe should be prepared only on special occasions. It MUST be created in the presence of one but never more than two very gullible young person of at least 4 years of age but preferably about 5 or 6 years of age. Anyone in the fourth grade or older is incapable of appreciating the act, er,,, I mean performance. These rug rats should be of ones own prodigy or a very, very close special friend. It is always best to get ones parent’s permission to perform this exhibition. Some children have been known to become permanently warped by the experience. If attempted before any more than two ankle biters they WILL gang up on you and your failure will be crushing. Now, for the most important part; starting well before the preparation of the actual feast, a glorious tale, similar to a fairy tale, must be convincingly commenced with all subtleness. As they say in show business, “timing is everything”. The mood must be right, the children in a happy mood and the desire and enthusiasm to entertain the children uppermost in the preparer’s mind. Let it be known that you are the world’s very best and perhaps only successful maker of this treat to which they and they alone are privileged to partake. (A LIE in this situation is NOT a sin) Do not let them convince you that “Mommy makes this for us” That is pure BUNK. Tell them that it is simply not the same and Mommy’s isn’t as good. Impress upon them how wonderful this will be, how fortunate and how special they are. Regale them with the preciseness of the preparation, care of choosing the correct materials and the lovingness that goes into this. If you do this properly they will remember it forever and you will always be special to them. One last WARNING!!! Do not, under any circumstances, try this stunt if the subject child or children have EVER been blessed by the experience with the originator of this Masterpiece. I GUARANTEE that you will NEVER live down the humiliation when your pitiful effort is compared to the Master’s. With this last HUMBLE edict I leave you to contemplate your fate, do you dare make the attempt? ----- Good Luck! ;-) Jim Sinsley (A.K.A. Jumbo Jim) Alternate
Recipe Throw any amount of any kind of cheap peanut butter into a bowl of any kind, add whatever kind of honey you have available in what ever quantity you think will work, stir it up as fast as you can and slap it on any old kind of bread you happen to have laying around. BUT, you should always play the part described above. That’s what it’s all about. |
